Lucky Catch

I took my backpack out the boot and slung it over my shoulder. In doing so the strap hooked on my earring and the stud and butterfly came undone. I thought I felt something fall down my cleavage but could not find anything. Eventually I gave up looking and made peace with the fact that it was gone and instead I embraced the idea of single-handedly bringing back the lone earring trend which was popular back when I was in high school, a very long time ago.

Once inside the house I removed my bra, as I think all women do at the end of a long day. There nested in the cups were the butterfly and stud respectively.

Disaster averted thankfully as the only successful way to wear the lone earring is to pair it with a mullet. And nobody wants that trend back again.

Go Get Her Jet Setter

The other night He Man treated me to dinner. We went to a local place for steaks and, because I was feeling pretty good about life in general, I indulged in a cocktail.

Called a Jet Setter, it consisted of whiskey, ginger liqueur, pineapple juice and ginger ale. It arrived in a tall glass and was a beautiful golden colour – the exact shade of hair colour I would want if I ever decided to go blonde.

The first sip was potent. I fancy myself a bad ass whiskey drinker because I prefer my whiskey without soda, water or ice. But this bad ass probably has one whiskey a year, a single at that, that she then sips all night long.

But this isn’t really about my whiskey drinking habits. Its about what happened in the car on the way home.

Before you get all excited, this is not that kind of blog.

We were a few blocks from home when suddenly my internal thermostat malfunctioned and my face went from room temperature to hell’s waiting room in a nanosecond. At first I thought I could wait it out, that once we were out of the car the cool night air would restore normality, but a block from home on went the aircon as I thought I was about to spontaneously combust.

Alas, it was a very short block and then we were in the garage and the engine was turned off and there was no more aircon and the night air was not nearly cool enough and, well, let it be a testament to my upbringing that I didn’t start taking my clothes off right there.

Eventually, many locks and doors later we made it into the house where taking off all my clothes did not help, it only made He Man’s temperature rise.

***

Eventually the repair crew pitched and fixed the thermostat and the jet setter settled into bed and slept soundly.

In the morning I realised a few worrying things. I am only forty but menopause is looming on the horizon. I am probably not going to survive menopause’s brutal hot flushes, at least not without embarrassing myself by stripping naked in Spar. Booze is probably only going to make it worse so I will have to menopause sober. And every time I see the word menopause an image of cabbage comes to mind.

Oh I can see it now, fifty year old me having hot flushes and hot farts. What a package! I won’t be at all surprised if He Man jets off to somewhere exotic until it all passes.

Fourth of July

Monday, Tuesday and even Wednesday are a blur but only because Thursday nearly ended me.

Thursday started out well enough. At least I think it did, I don’t really remember. I remember though that it got shittier as the day went by. I didn’t realise how shitty till I was driving home when it was late and dark and I started crying. Not a good thing to do in traffic when you need to keep your wits about you to make it home alive.

But I made it home in one piece and then promptly fell to pieces in He Man’s arms.

I think I last cried so much when my dad died. (And now I will have to take a moment to cry some more because my dad is still dead and I miss him.)

Yet no one died. It was just my job, the one I love, the one that I am good at, the one that I have that was making me cry.

Let’s not blame the job though. The job is challenging, just the way I like it. The people that come with the job, ah well, isn’t that always where the problem lies.

And so I cried and cried because I just could not imagine how I would go back, the next day, today, and deal with the people.

I did it though, with He Man’s help and hugs and He Man’s advice.

And I was reminded that my job comes with other people too. People who care, who listen, who give good advice (and even a hug) too. And so now I can go back on Monday and carry on and do my job.

Someone I once knew was fond of saying that sooner or later everybody got promoted to their level of incompetence. I’m not there yet, I’m not even close. And so those people can just go suck it, because I don’t see The Boss taking them out for a slice of chocolate tart anytime soon.

He Said

A few of us are going down to the pub after work, he said. Join us, he said.

I hesitated for a moment. I suspected that a few of use would turn out to be just him. I hesitated a moment more.

He smiled.

Sure, I said, see you there.

Everyone left at five. I stayed, I waited. I didn’t want to seem to be too eager.

The pub was mostly empty. He was alone at the bar. The few hadn’t made it or had left already. I sat down. He smiled again.

He ordered another pint for himself. I nibbled at the stale peanuts sitting in a chipped bowl before me.

We said nothing for a while, awkward.

The he smiled at me and said, did I ever tell you about the time I met the Queen and sneezed on her.

He jumped up and acted out his story. I was laughing so much that my sides ached and I thought I would fall off my stool.

But wait, he said, the funny part is still coming.

So it went. His stories very funny, even the bartender pretending not to listen was chuckling.

Then, my wife doesn’t understand me, he said.

I hesitated, He smiled.

My husband understands me just fine, I said. I thanked him for the non-existant drink and left.

I went home and skyped my husband, halfway across the world. I had a drink with a man, I said. He made me laugh till my sides hurt, I said.

I understand, he said. London is a lonely place but you will be home soon, he said.

Yes I will, I said, ninety-one days.

I love he, he said.

About These Things

About getting older:

  • I finally understand the need for Sunday afternoon naps.
  • I finally take Sunday afternoon naps.
  • There was this other thing that I thought of in the car on my drive to work but I can’t remember what it is now.
  • But it was awesome and eloquent, I remember that.
  • My friend, who is 10 years older than me, has given me a birthday present.
  • My birthday is in June.
  • Maybe I should open my present now in case I don’t make it to June.

About spiders:

  • My home is spider mecca.
  • I am a spider magnet.
  • I am thinking of changing my name to Miss Muffet.
  • He Man never spots the spiders.
  • Meanwhile a dream catcher scared the crap out of me on the weekend on account of it being spider coloured.
  • He Man insists on capturing the spiders and setting them free outside.
  • If it were up to me they would die but as I am too scared to get close enough to give them a good whack with a shoe they get to live.

About World of Warcraft:

  • My addiction is back in full swing.
  • Heck I am even reading the Warcraft Archive.
  • I kill A LOT of spiders in WoW.
  • Even when I don’t have a quest to do so.
  • Having a place to go where death is not permanent, where I am a healer, where I am strong and powerful, where I make a difference – this place makes everything else bearable.

Family Business

Blah, blah blah, the Chairman droned on but David wasn’t listening. His thoughts were focused on Helen, sitting across from him and frowning down at her lap. David knew what Helen was thinking about, her pregnancy, a result of her one night only with the Chairman’s son. She was thinking about whether she should keep the baby and whether she could pass the baby off as her husband’s.

David looked over to Helen’s husband, sitting on the Chairman’s right hand side, his right hand man, his other son.

Helen’s husband, the Chairman’s right hand man, was smiling. The Chairman was singing his praises, yet another deal successfully concluded. After the Chairman’s blah there would be cake. And maybe champagne.

David looked to his left, to the man sitting next to him, the Chairman’s son, Helen’s baby’s daddy, David’s boss. He too was frowning, but not because he wasn’t the favourite son or because Helen was pregnant. His frown was caused by his stomach ache, a problem he had, had for some time. Mostly uncomfortable, sometimes really painful but seemingly nothing serious to see another doctor about.

David thought he should go see another doctor, that another doctor would do more tests, that another doctor would eventually realise that the pain was caused by the poison.

David smiled to himself. He knew who the poisoner was, he knew why the poisoner poisoned. He knew that soon the poisoner’s work would be done, the baby’s daddy would be dead and the favourite son would be thrilled at the news that he was going to be a daddy. David knew that the Chairman would be thrilled but only if the baby was a boy.

David knew all, everything, too much.

And David knew what he had to do.

Calmly he stood up, pulled the Chairman’s gun from his pocket and shot Helen in the head.

The End

* I was in a meeting, I was bored, I wrote this. I did not know how it would end.

Face Off

I threatened, I promised, I hoped and finally I did.

I quit Facebook.

It was something that I have wanted to do for the longest time and now, with a little nudge from He Man, it is done.

Like many I joined because I was curious. And in the beginning it was fun. I reconnected with an old friend and I even got to raise a dragon. But really it was all fake (especially the dragon, which was most disappointing). These friends on line who couldn’t spare me time for a cuppa and a chat off line. The requests to be part of their circle of “bestest friends eva” when the only reason I accepted their friend request (or they mine) is because Facebook is really all about who has the most “friends”.

And now, no more. Instead tonight I will spend my time with real people; talking with real people, laughing with real people, having a good time with real people.

And I am really looking forward to it.