Monday – driving a different route to a place I have never been to before. Fearful that traffic will be awful and make me late I arrive way to early. I am nervous. I don’t know anyone. I am shy, always shy, and there is no comfort zone in this place for me to take refuge in.
Tuesday – arrive early because I would rather be one hour early then one minute late. The faces have names and I can tell them apart. I have my spot, it is starting to feel familiar. The coursework is overwhelming though and I wonder if I will ever get it.
Wednesday – the classroom is starting to feel familiar, comfortable. My ‘work’ days are shorter so I get home earlier, a whole thirty minutes earlier. Those thirty minutes feel like two hours. I have time, at home, for myself. I have time to log on to Facebook and see a message from and old and dear friend. Has it really been five years since we last spoke?
Her message triggers a little something in my brain, a thought, “I want that for us”. I think about why we don’t have it. We talk, he and I, and it all falls in to place. Finally I get it, I get why previous relationships never worked out, why this one was going to fail too eventually. I don’t want it to fail, I make a decision.
Thursday – tired because I had a late night. A different lecturer today, an engineer. I am not so shy, the engineer puts me at ease (albeit not intentionally) and I venture a few answers. They are wrong but for once I am not afraid of speaking up and even being wrong. The lecturer gets the message across and the coursework starts to make sense. I see the cycles and patterns.
I see myself, in the not too far distant future, taking the exam, getting the certification and embarking on the next step. I have figured out, finally, what it is I want to be one day when I grow up. It has only taken me thirty five years.
Friday – I sit at my computer typing these words, I want to remember this week forever. I want to remember that I made a new friend, that an old friend found me and that I can still call her friend because she has always been just that. I want to remember that I figured out my purpose, that I have goals, that I am for the very first time actually planning my future.
Most of all I want to remember this conversation.
“I want to marry you one day”
“When you are ready, ask me, my answer is yes”