Even before I started blogging again, this subject was a post in the making. And I’ve been trying to write it for a very long time.
To propagate or not to propagate*, for me right now that is the question. I finally have the home I’ve always dreamed of and I have found the right person to share it with. It took a lot longer than I thought it would to get to this point but I am grateful that I have finally arrived.
However, with me being nearly 37 and him having his own potential fertility impacting issue it may already be too late for us to make this decision; it may have already been made for us. But we don’t know that, won’t know that until we make the decision to give it a try.
But say we do give it a try and we have no success?
I know I don’t what endless rounds of fertility treatments because I become obsessed with having a baby. It’s wonderful that there are treatments and options out there for people who want to pursue this and can afford to do so. We can’t. We can’t afford to get ourselves into a lot of debt for something that is not guaranteed and that, even if it does succeed, won’t live up to the fantasy we’ve created.
But say we do give it a try and we do have success?
I have these little fantasies in my head, short but detailed daydreams of precise moments of my potential child’s life – Dad and Junior watching Star Wars together as Dad passes on his geeky passions; Mom reading Lord of the Rings to Junior before bedtime and having a little voice begging for just one page more please mommy. There are more moments, in my head, many more. And chances are that some of them at least will come to pass in some shape or form. The rest will be something else entirely.
And it is that something else, that total unknown that is the most frightening.
The idea of a little someone who is a little bit of me and a little bit of him and a whole lot of original is a compelling one but there is no way to prepare for this. There is no way of knowing how well or how awful this could turn out. And once a brand new human being is delivered into your arms there is no undo option.
Possibly I had some naïve notion, when I started drafting this post in my head a long time ago, that writing about it would present the solution. It didn’t.
Or maybe it is.
Whenever you’re called on to make up your mind,
And you’re hampered by not having any,
The simplest way to solve the dilemma you’ll find,
Is simply by flipping a penny.
No, not so that chance shall decide the affair,
As you’re passively standing there moping.
But as soon as the penny is up in the air,
You’ll suddenly know what you are hoping.
* procreate is probably the more correct word but propagate invokes a more apt image, at least in my head